Who the Fuck Am I Kidding?

Those words echoed in my brain more than any others in 2013.

I love to write. More truthfully, I love to be read. But I don't love the writing process. And I get caught up in "what makes a true writer".

I don't write every day. I think of goofy things and tweet/post them, but that doesn't count. I have to stop comparing myself to what defines other folks as writers. "You're not this if you don't that." That's such bullshit. Define yourself. Fuck everyone else. Sorry for the F-bombs but I'm trying a new thing: ignoring my internal censor. And apparently my Thesaurus.

2013 had its personal ups and downs, but whose didn't?

I did complete the ScreenwritingU Pro Series, knocked out a comedy screenplay (well, 75% of one before I blew up the entire story once, and the third act twice), and "developed" a promising new sit-com. Developed is a fancy way of saying I have the entire cast of characters, premise, engine, and stack of episode ideas without an actual pilot. Yet.

So I accomplished most of my goals, and furthered my craft. And I did a lot of reading and reviewing of other people's work this year, and offered some well-received, constructive feedback. That was an honor. So 2013 was actually a growth year.

The week I turned 50, I flew to LA to put myself out there and pitch my screenplay at the InkTip Pitch Fest. I was greeted with kindness, encouragement and hope. And crippling self doubt. I met up with some fellow Pro Series alumni, who are just awesome people, and made some new friends. At times I felt totally empowered; most others, I felt like a fraud. But I, like many writers, am my own worst enemy. I built myself up to this grand event. And then I came home.

And I haven't written a god damned word since.

Why? I was spent. Exhausted. Affected by everything and everyone around me. Because I didn't bloody feel like it.

My day-job world was upended. I'm a numbers nerd/tech writer/failed champion of logic at Arbitron Ratings - the audience ratings for U.S. radio. Arbitron was purchased by Nielsen in December 2012. The week I returned from LA, in late September, the transaction completed. A huge party was thrown. Weeks later 500 coworkers (of about 1,000) were laid off. I was not one of them.

With nearly 18 years there, I was hoping for a severance package, some time to myself and that opportunity to write full time, even if just for a few months. But that wasn't meant to be.

Why don't I just take the leap? Because it's terrifying to quit an IT job at 50 and start over on just your savings (very little of that) and a dream.

It's not that I don't believe I have talent, I'm just a realist. I'd love to write for television but of the 1,000 or so gigs (all taken), there are 5,000+ qualified, previously produced (often represented) writers competing in an amazingly supportive way. And they're already in LA.

When my screenplay is done, maybe it will get made, independently, with a very low budget to get my stuff out there. Can't live on that, only grow from it.

Eventually I can get some paid writing assignments. I just need more than a Castle spec as proof I'm qualified. Paid scriptwriting is possible, but probably not in 2014.

So I'm lucky to have my day job. Being a survivor at a gutted company, whose name was legally erased the day after the transaction, has been surreal. A lot of goodbyes. A lot of what-the-fuck-nows. A lot of guilt. We all knew something was coming but that doesn't change the reality when it finally goes down.

But here's the thing. Life happens. To all of us. I'm no different than anyone else. Yet, I am totally different from everyone else.

No one asked me to write anything. [Actually, that's not true. I've been asked to write a short for an actor friend and I certainly will in 2014.] But I'm not failing anyone - except my overly ambitious, overly critical, overly redundant self. And maybe the memory of my friend Dennis Lane, who we tragically lost this year, who always checked in on my latest scripts and the web series Click! (which is finally in editing!).

Hey! If you're not failing, you're not fucking trying.

So boohoo for me. I had a rough few months. I also had an amazing year with my family and friends. My grandson is a true God-send. I can't wait until he reads my stuff! My girlfriend is my rock. Her pursuit of moving out of the corporate world and into one of helping others is a model for my own reinvention. My kids, now adults, keep me grounded and so incredibly proud of who they are. And my friends, and readers, are an endless source of encouragement.

I'm not kidding myself; I'm accepting myself. And, guess what? I'm writing. No, not just a blog post.

I spent the morning organizing my screenplay's outline.  Fifty of the 80 scenes are already written. Of the remaining 30, the location and essence is already complete for each. Just ordered a massive bulletin board so my home office becomes my war room. Where I can see the entire story before me. And I can finish it.

Inside Out will soon be ready to market, get read and get shot.

Here's to 2014!

Cheers,
Mike